Saturday, August 16, 2008

Invisible?

i just want to be invisible

not be spoken to by a man

or looked at

or touched

or whistled at

i dont want to be made into an enigma

or be looked at with resplendent awe

or fascination

or both

i dont want any man to believe that he owns me

or needs to tell me what to do

i dont need a man to make me feel like a woman

i dont need a man to constantly tell me how attractive i am, and how photogenic..

and i really dont need a man to tell me if he thinks the shape of my body is perfect or not

im sick of the way men believe its their goddamn birthright to expect me to sleep with them

just because i travel alone

and i am spirited, and young and happy!

and thats why i want to be invisible..

not stared at or even looked at

not touched, not even caressed

not spoken to or hooted at

i just want to be..

by myself

all alone

with my thoughts

and my body

and my soul

but as an afterthought

why should i be invisible?

why cant you men grow up instead?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

My Journey

These travels have been about...
People stopping to let you cross the road, rice milk, chocolate milk, MILK!
Not being groped in buses, trains, or crowded streets
Maps of cities, maps of towns, maps of metro lines
Getting lost, finding my way around, finding myself
Reading and writing and listening and observing
Drinking wine instead of water, eating fresh croissants
Goats cheese, blue cheese, any cheese
And bread
Canoeing, cycling, walking and running
Trains arriving on time, trains delayed, long journeys
Nutella and bread, a budget to live within
Vending machines, bread makers, hot showers
Gelato, sleazy men, italian coffee and a coffee maker
Deep friendships, laughter, happiness and joy
Tapas and mojitos
Sangrias and Caipurinhas
Cortados and spanish men
Green water, sometimes blue, sometimes turquoise
Greek islands, long walks, a summer house
Hot men, lots of attention, a boost of self confidence
Toilet paper, weird taps in bathrooms, glass bathrooms, no locks?!
Coke being cheaper than water, kissing in public
People dressed strangely, people undressed, no one bothering
Cider on the pavement, 24 hour super markets
Weighing your own fruit, being honest
Filling drinking water from bathroom toilets
Being driven cross country by women
The sun setting at 10 pm, the cold beaches
Interesting conversation, falling in love, again
And so much more...

Friday, June 27, 2008

A First Kiss

It starts with a hug
Followed by coffee and conversation
She smiles. He does too.

A lot of wine and some cider
A silly movie
And a dark cozy room

Fidgeting fingers, restless arms
and a questioning mind
Moving closer
Bit by bit
Wary, unsure, sure?

Tickling on the arm
Another arm around a tummy
Fingers playing with hair

Unnecessary conversation
And then a kiss- soft and gentle
A million racing thoughts
Almost an objective disposition

Passions stirs
And then an absolutely stupid question
He looks startled
Or maybe bemused?
And almost apologetic when he answers
She hadn't meant to probe

A goodnight kiss
She wants to scream in glee
Instead returns to her room
Amused, joyous, singing and free

Firm in her belief that
Its when you least expect it that things do happen

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Validation

I was all of 22 when I realized the power of validation

Bruised

Battered

And weary

I desperately needed



Someone to tell me it was not my fault

That ‘bad’ things do in fact happen to ‘good’ people

That I was beautiful just the way I was

Maybe even ‘too good’ for him?

But most importantly

That he had hurt me the way I said he had



And that’s the essence of validation

To a young woman, abused child or broken adult

Just to know that you are being heard, understood, and believed

To know that there is someone who says I empathize with you

It must have been tough

You have been strong

I am proud of you


To have someone say Go on I’m listening

I will not judge you

Hurt you

Or laugh


I will not minimize your pain

Tell it to go away, disappear

In stead

I will live it through with you

Each moment

Till we both heal


I will not tell you that there are bigger things in life to cry over

I will in fact tell you that your pain will help you grow

I will not tell you to let the past be..forget it..move on

I will in fact remind you of the goodness of your heart, joy in your

soul, and the deep love you have within.


Too often in life we are very quick to judge

Rarely are we quick enough to reach out

To empathize

Hold a hand

Give a hug

Share a smile

It is only when we believe in the power of validation

That we can transform lives

And it is then that I believe

that

Miracles do happen

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

From a girl into a woman

I wake up with a smile

Straight from the heart

The pain, the tears

Seem like a lifetime ago

I have forgiven

I am forgiving

I am moving

And growing

And learning

And breathing


And I know that

I’ve grown

From a girl into a woman


Small things no longer get to me

‘Moments’ seem more important

It’s the big picture I’m looking at

I’m trying to be more caring

More kind

Compassionate

And truthful


Just the effort signals that

I’ve grown

From a girl into a woman


I stand up for myself

Fight my own battles

Wipe my own tears

And wrestle with the demons I create

My thoughts

A whirlpool

I try and calm

I meditate

Reflect

Reanalyze

And remain--at peace


And I realize that

I’ve grown

From a girl into a woman

I write

I sing

I perform

I read

I talk

I work

I want to strive for excellence

I want to feel whole

I want to not want

I want to just BE


And I promise you that

I’ve grown

From a girl into a woman

Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Smile

White powdered faces

Bright red lipstick

Coloured bindis

And a paan stained smile


Black painted eyebrows

Blood-red sindoor

Dangling earrings

And again that smile


You amaze me with your courage

Your grit

Your determination

And your will to stay on


Sold by your husband

Abused by your brothel owner

Cheated by your maalak

Raped by your client

And still you smile


The small dingy rooms

Where they buy you

Your body


But your soul

You do not let them touch

YOU


Your spirit

Untouchable

Your hope

Unwavering

Your strength

Undeterred


And that smile again

Unpretentious

Knowing

Challenging

And wise

Oh! That beautiful, radiant and magnificent smile!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

GOA 2007

A polka dotted bikini

Port wine

Two glasses full

Getting drunk with him

Goan sausages

Calangute

Souza Lobo’s

Someone telling me I’m perfect :)



Krishnamurthy-the philosopher

Reading and reading

Morning, afternoon and evening

Krishnamurthy in Tito’s :)



Riding back all alone

Scared to death

Empty roads

Stupidity

A one and a half hour conversation with a close friend

About letting go, taking stands, orgasms : )



Renting bikes

Calamari with butter garlic

Morjem Beach

End of the world

And then some more



Swimming deep

Riding the waves

Photos

The bikini again

Papaya juice at german bakery

A chocolate croissant

And another chocolate croissant

Feeling free

Finally relaxed



Britto’s pork vindaloo

15 rupees wine pouches

Opening them with a fork

Drinking two at one dinner

360 ml!

Laughing till our tummies hurt



Fireworks on the beach on Christmas eve

The sky lights up

Gorgeous

So many ‘moments’



Four buses to reach the airport

Planning my Europe trip

Wondering why I don’t enjoy ‘partying’



So much time with myself

To myself

A gift

A blessing

A sign?



The best holiday I’ve had in years

I am becoming my best friend

I am..

Feeling more aware

More in the moment, and

More ALIVE!

Friday, February 1, 2008

Thank You

Thank you for ignoring my tears

It taught me that no person who makes you cry is worth it.


Thank you for haunting my dreams

I woke up today believing that bad dreams eventually go away


Thank you for twisting my arm (by mistake)

Ill never let any man physically abuse me ever


Thank you for screaming and shouting at me

It made me recognize that emotional abuse can hit you so damn hard


Thank you for the aggression, the cold silent weeks when you refused to talk

I began to realize the importance of good communication


Thank you for telling me that I smile too much

I learned that one smile can change a life


Thank you for putting me down, for telling me that I’m not good enough

It taught me to believe in myself


Thank you for making fun of all my friends

They have been there for me right through


Thank you for never standing up for me

It taught me to stand up for myself


Thank you for never caring about the hearts you’ve hurt

I’ve learned that people can be very selfish


Thank you for letting ‘fame’ get to you

I’ve learned never to make that mistake


Thank you for not wanting to be with me on weekends

I’ve learned to spend time with myself


Thank you for calling me a ‘control-freak’!

I’m working on being more easy going


Thank you for making love to me in all my innocence

It will be something ill cherish all my life


And lastly,

Thank you for walking out on me

I would have never ever let go of you otherwise

Thursday, January 17, 2008

A young girl, a social worker and child sexual abuse

Anju is a 14 year old girl who has been rescued from one of the brothels in Kamathipura. Initial questioning of her Gharwali reveals that she had been brought to the brothel two months ago and sold for Rs. 20000. The Gharwali also tells the police that Anju is from Gorakhpur.

Anju is brought to the NGO where I work in a state of complete shock. She appears dazed and confused, and refuses to speak. Her body language signifies that she is extremely afraid. She cowers whenever anybody sits down next to her, and her eyes well up with tears when she is spoken to. It is obvious that she had been severely traumatized in these past two months, and more recently by the experience of a police raid. The police are known to be quite brutal during raids and it is possible that she could have suffered physical and verbal abuse at the hands of the police before she was brought in. I am assigned to be the case worker on this case. All I know from the police is that her name is Anju, she is 14 years old and her family lives in Gorakhpur. I start by inviting Anju into my ‘office’. It is a five feet by five feet cubicle but it still manages to keep her away from the prying eyes of the rest of the NGO staff and prevents staff members from shooting blunt questions at her. I tell her that I am Neha didi and that I am here to help her. Anju takes a seat on a plastic chair and stares into nothingness. Her expression is vacant, her eyes glazed over. I place a hot cup of tea and some biscuits in front of her. I then leave the room, giving her space to acclimatize to her new surroundings. Fifteen minutes later I enter my cabin to find the tea cup empty and biscuits all gone. Anju looks a little more relaxed now and even ventures a small smile. I seize this opportunity to speak to her about what has happened till now. I explain to her that she has been brought here by the police so that she can return home. She seems uncomfortable by the idea of returning home because I notice a visible change in expression on her face. I also explain to her that since she is a minor, she doesn’t have a choice about whether she would like to stay on in Mumbai. She must return home. I also assure her that I will accompany her during this entire process, till she reaches home. Also once she is in Gorakhpur, I will spend some time with her and her family. For now, Anju is to stay in special home in Deonar till all the verifications are done and some contact has been initiated with her hometown. This might take a week or ten days, following which I will accompany her to Delhi, from where we will proceed to Gorakhpur. I assure her time and again that she is safe, that nobody is going to hurt her now. I then gingerly ask her, her full name and where she has come from. She lowers her eyes, tells me that her name is Anju Pradan and that she is from Gorakhpur. I ask her how she is feeling now, and she surprisingly articulates her feelings quite well. She tells me that she is afraid and worried. Her eyes still register a vacant expression; though this time she has tears in them. I again gingerly reach out to touch her hand. She doesn’t withdraw her hand, but instead looks straight into my eyes as if searching for some answers. I assure her that she need not be afraid anymore as I will not let anyone hurt her. I also try and probe to find out what exactly she is worried and afraid of. She doesn’t venture an answer and I respect that. I tell her that I would need to take her to a doctor to do some tests. I again assure her that the doctor is a lady doctor who is very kind. I take Anju to the government hospital to get some medical tests done and request the doctor to be as gentle as possible. An examination of her genital area and a blood test reveals that Anju has not contracted HIV or any other STI. Also though her hymen has been broken, there are no traces of physical injury to her body. That same evening I accompany Anju to the Deonar home. She is quiet and looks exhausted. I need to make sure that she is not ‘accosted’ by the other girls in the shelter, or asked too many questions. I speak to the warden in-charge and request her to make sure that Anju is given some time alone. I promise Anju that she will be safe and that I will come to visit her the next day.

The next day when I visit Anju she is withdrawn and quiet. She refuses to talk to me. I bring her some clothes and a small radio she can listen to while in this home. She looks at me but doesn’t say a word. I tell her that she can talk to me if she feels like, when she feels like. I’m going to be there for her regardless. It is only on the next day that Anju breaks her silence. I speak to her about the kind of work I do, and I also tell her a little about my family. I tell her that I have a younger sister who is Anju’s age. I also tell her that just like I help my younger sister out with her problems, I’d like to help Anju with her problems too. I ask her if she is comfortable in this home, and she tells me that it is very crowded and that she wants to get out of here as soon as possible. I promise to try and do just that. The third day I’m in for a surprise! Anju greets me with a smile although her body language is still withdrawn and rigid. I tell her that today we could do some drawing. Her face lights up! I hand her paper and some crayons and tell her to draw out her family for me. She seems excited and starts at it enthusiastically. It turns out that Anju has tremendous artistic ability. Her drawing is superb! I then ask her a little about the picture she has drawn (it’s a picture of four people sitting around a table at mealtime, in a house. However there is not much food on the table. Her mother is standing in the kitchen). She tells me that she lives with her parents and two younger siblings-both girls. This is them at diner time in her tiny house. Her father works as a sweeper in a bank, her mother looks after the house. Her sisters are in school in the 3rd and 5th std respectively. Anju too has studied till her 7th standard. I notice that her voice hardens when she talks about her father. I go on to ask her what kind of relationship she shares with her parents. She tells me that she loves her mother dearly and confides in her tremendously. However her father is very strict and she doesn’t talk to him much. She seems bitter at the mention of her father. I am quite impressed by Anju’s willingness to disclose all this information to me so soon. Her demeanor seems to have changed quite a bit since the previous day. I realize that she must have been taking this time to ‘check me out’, to see if I’d really be there like I had said I would or whether I’d walk away too. Her maturity astonishes me.

Surprisingly the next day itself Anju is allowed to leave for Gorakpur since all the legal formalities have been sorted out. I have already contacted a sister NGO in Gorakhpur who have visited Anju’s house and are preparing them for her arrival back home. We leave the same evening for Delhi, planning to stay over at a shelter home for a day, before we board the train to Gorakhpur. Anju seems uncomfortable in the train and when I ask her why she doesn’t hesitate in telling me, “This is how I was brought to Bombay.” I take this opportunity to ask her whether she remembers who brought her to Bombay. She says she doesn’t remember the man’s name but she remembers that he had rough hands, dirty stained fingernails, a gruff voice, a moustache and was chewing guthka throughout. Luckily for us the berths next to us are empty so we have some amount of privacy while talking in the train. I ask Anju how she met this man and she just shakes her head. I let the question be, though I have a strong suspicion that it has something to do with her father. At night before we go to sleep Anju utters two sentences that continue to haunt me till today. “My father sold me to him. I hate him and ill never forgive him for this.” I try and empathize with her feelings of betrayal, pain and loss of control. I tell her that I understand that she must be feeling all this and that she has every right to feel so. I tell her that I am sorry for her pain, and now we can work together to minimize these negative feelings. Anju volunteers to tell me that her family didn’t have enough money at home since her father used to drink regularly. That’s when she remembers being pulled out of school. She was kept at home for a few weeks and then suddenly one day her father took her to the station and handed her over to a stranger. She was told that this stranger would take her to Bombay and find her a job with a rich family who would treat her well, feed her and buy her nice clothes. Plus she could also send back money for her sisters. Anju was hesitant at first but then realized that she now had a way to support her family. Anju also narrated that she remembers her mother pleading with her father that same morning, to not let Anju go. She remembers being very confused about what was going on. I tell her that I admire her for being so strong and brave despite going through all this. I also tell her that now she is in a safe space and doesn’t need to be strong anymore. She can reveal her vulnerable side because no one is going to take advantage of it. I give her a hug (which I am hoping she finds reassuring enough) and she drifts off to sleep.

We reach Delhi early the next morning. Our train to Gorakhpur is only in the evening so we go to a government shelter house to spend the day. By now I notice that Anju has begun to relax in my presence. She allows me to hold her hand with no hesitation. Also she opens up without much prodding. When I ask her how she feels about going back home, she says that she is excited to see her mother and sisters, but scared to face her father. What if he is angry with her for coming back without any money? What if he sends her back to Bombay again? What if he has already sent one of her sisters to Bombay? I assure her that none of the above could happen. I tell her that in Gorakhpur I will introduce her to another ‘didi’ who will take care of her for a long time. This didi will visit her house often and make sure that she and her siblings are safe. Anju seems to relax at this assurance. That evening we board the train to Gorakhpur.

We arrive at Gorakpur station early the next morning. Anju looks thrilled. She asks whether we could go straight to her house because she wanted to meet her mother and sisters. I remind her that we need to spend a few days in a shelter provided by an NGO, so that in the meantime I can speak to her father and mother. There are only four other girls living in the shelter. The ‘didi’ in the shelter is patient and kind. She offers to give Anju a separate room to her herself. When Anju seems reasonably settled in I decide to visit her house. I am accompanied by the staff member from the NGO who had already visited Anju’s house before. She tells me that at first Anju’s father denied having sent his daughter to Bombay. He told her that he had sent Anju to her paternal aunt’s place in Punjab. When the NGO worker confronted him and told him that she had proof that Anju was in Bombay he broke down and let out the truth. He told her that he had met a man named Anil in a bar he frequents. Anil told him that he is into the ‘business’ of getting girls jobs as domestic help in big metropolitan cities. He told Anju’s father that not only do the girls earn well, they are also looked after with care. The families they live with give them good food, take them along for movies and holidays. Also Anil told the father that he would be given Rs 10,000 in advance, in addition to the money that his daughter would send home every month. Anju’s father was impressed and realized that this seemed to be a good option to supplement their family income. Since Anju’s sisters were still too young, he decided to send Anju to one of these big cities. When he came home and told his wife about this she refused to entertain the idea. But since they are a patriarchal family, it was Anju’s father’s decision that reigned. The next day he pulled Anju out of school without even giving her a reason. In the mean time Anil got Anju’s papers in order and got their tickets booked. 16 days later she was sent with Anil to Bombay. He said that in hindsight he regretted the decision he had made. He had not heard from Anju in over three months. Neither had she sent any money home. Anil had disappeared from the bar. He was at a complete loss as to what to do. When the social worker told him where Anju had been sold and what all she had been through, her father and mother broke down and cried. The social worker told them that they could have Anju back only if they agreed to certain premises. They were to sign an agreement saying that they would never let any of their daughters be ‘re-trafficked.’ Anju was to be put back into school and not given away in marriage till she was a consenting adult. Also Anju’s father had to get help for his alcoholism. The parents agreed readily, eager to see their daughter.

I don’t know what to expect when I enter Anju’s house. I am not sure whether her family will be hostile, malicious, afraid or a combination of all three. The door is opened by Anju’s mother and the moment she realizes that I am the social worker from Bombay she collapses into my arms, sobbing loudly. She wants to know where her daughter is. I explain to her that Anju is in Gorakhpur but would not be allowed to come home till we complete certain formalities. I also explain to them in detail about what most probably has happened to her in the brothel. Her parents are horrified, their expressions registering shock. Her mother is crying all through, while her father maintains a stoic silence. Her sisters are not present. I tell them that till now Anju hadn’t spoken about what she had experienced in those three months but it’s obvious that she must be traumatized at some level. It is necessary for them to be very sensitive towards her. Anju could require years to cope with the disabling mental health impact of her experience. The three most potential impacts of trafficking could be:

the developmental impact of trafficking

thoughts and feeling of Anju

psychiatric disorders which may manifest themselves at any point in time

Also I explain to them that symptoms of child sexual abuse could come up at any point in her life. The triggering factors could be varied. It was essential for her parents to be vigilant and open to such cues. Anju will need to undergo regular counseling sessions at the NGO and so will her family. Individual counseling would aim at helping her deal with the experience of abuse and being re-integrated into her family. This experience had led her to hate her father, and this too would have to be addressed. Family counseling (with Anju and without Anju present) would aim at helping her family members deal with this abuse and preparing/sensitizing them towards what the future might hold for Anju. They will have to be made aware about the possible metal health impacts of sexual abuse. Her sisters would have to be taught about what changes might have come about in Anju and how they can deal with them. Anju’s father would need to be taught how to deal with the anger and resentment she harbored towards him. Counselling could also aim at challenging the rigid patriarchal system that operated within their home (though this is not told to them!). Also Anju’s father would have to take charge of his drinking habits. An AA support group which runs in a church close to their home is suggested as a suitable intervention. As a matter of precaution Anju’s father would have to sign an agreement promising never to ‘sell’ any of his daughters again. Also a social worker from the agency would visit their home once a week to check on them. I inform the family that I would be staying in Gorakhpur for the next twenty days so that I could aid this process of re-integration.

Anju is brought home the next day amidst tears and kisses. She hugs her mother and siblings but refuses to even look at her father. Anju is lucky that her family is supportive and willing to do anything to have her back. They do not think she is ‘dirty’ or ‘corrupt’. They welcome her unhesitatingly and with open arms. Thus we do not need to deal with any stigma and discrimination on part of the family.

Over the next few days the bond of trust and friendship between Anju and me is strengthened. Together we try to structure her day. She agrees to take up stitching classes in the NGO. Also since we discovered that she could draw so well, I arrange for her to take up sketching on alternate days. The NGO will provide her with the equipment. She will help her mother cook in the morning, drop off her little sisters to school and then come to the NGO for her tailoring/drawing classes. She will go for her counseling sessions every afternoon. In the evening she will help her mother out with dinner as well as help her sisters with their homework.

Anju drops by every afternoon for her counseling sessions at the NGO. She doesn’t miss even one session. I have already explained to her that I would be here only for another twenty days, after which she would be counseled by the same didi who had visited her family. She doesn’t seem to mind as she liked the other ‘didi’ too. I accompany Anju’s mother to her school to find out what could be done about her admission. Since she had already missed close to four months of school, the principal suggests that she repeat her 7th std again. We ask Anju what she’d like to do. She said she’d be embarrassed to be a class ‘down’ and that all her friends would tease her. But we assure her that we would tell her friends that she had been sick and therefore couldn’t attend school. Also this was the only way Anju could continue her education. Once she realized this she agreed to continue school. My sessions with Anju centre a lot on how she feels about being back home and more importantly how she feels about her father. It is during one of the joint family sessions that Anju’s father breaks down in front of her and begs for forgiveness. Anju who has never seen a sensitive side to her father, is deeply moved.

Anju has not yet spoken to me about the abuse she had faced. I have decided to use an anatomically correct doll to find out details of her abuse, but one afternoon Anju surprises me by suddenly saying, “There were four of them the first day.” I am taken by surprise and asked her “Which first day?” And that’s when she tells me about the first time she was raped by four unknown men. Anju cries uncontrollably while narrating the ordeal and I can do nothing except hold her hand and tell her that it’s all over now; no one can hurt her again. She keeps repeating “now I am dirty, no one will want me.” I continuously repeat that it is not her fault that she has been hurt, that she is beautiful human being and no one can ever take that away from her. It is at this point that I realize that apart from bringing about self acceptance and self awareness, it is so important to reclaim Anju’s personhood along with reclaiming an affirmative sexuality. Anju had been trafficked at a developmentally vulnerable age. The development of her identity was suddenly abbreviated by the negative experience of abuse and trauma. Since this is the age when most adolescents explore their sexual needs and responses how should Anju now make sense of her sexuality? She might begin to question her normal sexual needs and her body’s physiological responses to sexual stimuli could generate guilt. How Anju would manage her future relationships, how she feels about her body and how she perceives herself are important issues to be addressed. Over the next few sessions we focus on self esteem building and self awareness exercises. I also ask her if it is okay that ‘Nisha didi’ sits in with us during our sessions so that Anju could get comfortable with her, since she would be taking her case forward. Anju doesn’t mind as she had already built a great rapport with Nisha.

I have to leave for Bombay a few days later. The case is handed over to Nisha along with my specific recommendations on dealing with Anju’s personhood, her sense of identity and helping her reclaim an affirmative sexuality in addition to all the other interventions commonly used in child sexual abuse. I leave Gorakhpur with a heavy heart, upset at having to let go of my little friend and knowing all too well that our interventions with Anju could potentially impact her entire life.

*Names have been changed