Musings

As I write, wary of what my words should be, wary if they will be ‘right’, if what i am intending to say will come out right. Two days feeling a little blue, but two days of successful attempts to just ‘be’ with the feelings instead of trying to hide them or make them go away. I honoured the pace my soul wanted to take, i moved inwards, i lay in bed, i read, i ate sourdough with butter and scones with clotted cream and raspberry jam. And i just let myself be. Without any judgement or unkindness to myself. I accepted my wordly non-productiveness, but also appreciated the fact that spiritually by allowing myself to just observe my feelings i was being extremely productive. Also for the first time ever i think i recognized and accepted the fact that to someone as deeply sensitive as me, there are going to be days like this; where i need to withdraw from the world, where these ‘blues’ are just a reminder for the need to turn inwards and be silent. I wonder if i manage to turn inwards of my own accord more regularly whether the depression will lose its purpose in my life and have no place to be? And then quite naturally it would go away, having served it purpose. 

It is hard to go through these see-saw of emotions, but that’s only when i choose to be the emotions instead of simply observing them. 

And as I move more deeply inwards, as i sit with myself in meditation i am guided by the angels and the Masters. I am told of wonderful things. Of the fact that the purpose of meditation is not to silence the monkey mind, but instead to be with the sense of peace and watch it expand and grow and consume you. Of the fact that instead of complaining about how ‘I can’t meditate right’ which essentially blocks the flow of energy and manifestation that is coming to me, I should focus on the blessings in this situation; which are the fact that I have been given the opportunity to explore this path, that i am connecting with my Masters and spirit guides and most importantly; that this is the perfect opportunity for me to learn to accept the moment as it is, without wanting to change it or improve it or wanting to be somewhere else. Complete acceptance of what is, and recognizing the perfection in this moment, deeply believing that everything is happening in divine timing, realizing that i am whole and complete right now, in the moment, without wanting to be someplace else. And that is my learning, and that is the beautiful opportunity that awaits me. And this is what I call ‘grace’.

Amen.

A Battle?

A Battle with Depression 7^th March 2015

The term above scares me. For two reasons. Or rather because of two words. Battle and Depression. A battle connotes stress, fighting, opposition, tiredness and the possibility of failure. None of which I have the energy for, or the ability to deal with at this very moment. And depression connotes a state of mind which is ‘my fault’, can and should be changed, a failure, an inability or unwillingness to ‘try hard enough’, a weakness. None of which is true, or so they say.

So how do i react when i am infact battling with depression? I cry. I panic at the first signs of me feeling low. I begin to think of how i would feel if i do end up sinking into the black abyss of nothingness. Days and nights of emptiness, unproductivity. What will people say? How will I justify the lack of progress on my PhD? In my life? I was capable of so much more, once upon a time. And i really am not living up to my potential. I resist. I protest. I feel sorry for myself. I feel miserable. Full of self-doubt. And self-loathing. Self-loathing. Well that’s a familiar one. I hate the fact that i am so weak, that i am not as resilient as everyone else i know, that i cannot control my moods, that my moods control me. 

And what if, just what if..I could accept what i am feeling, without judging myself? With a sense of compassion? And trust that this is all God’s plan? That inherent in these moods lies a deeper purpose, that i can thrive despite these moods, or rather because of them? How do i actually find a way to live that encompasses these feelings of lowness, that allows me the freedom to accept myself and love myself with all my perceived strengths and weaknesses. What if i could begin looking at my depression as something positive? I cannot even imagine how that would be possible. 

For now i am beginning with trying to accept my mood. Not panic, not resist it, not wish it away. Just truly accept it. And im trying to see what wonderful things have materialized after every episode of my depression. Last week it was the realization that I need to accept my moods instead of fight them. Yesterday it showed me the need to heal my inner child who feels unloved and anxious. It is these moments of grace that i need as stars along the way, to guide me. And show me that it is all okay.

All you need is love...ta da ta da da

We walked alone

Though pain and dust

Faltering sometimes

But go on we must

For what we shared

Was special, was true

It made no sense

To let it undo

And so we trudged

With our heads held high

Mostly smiling

But sometimes shy

For this was new

To the two of us

Being in love

Whats the fuss?

Well parents for starters

And culture for sure

Notions about marriage

And then some more

Religion and custom

Temples too

Smoking and alcohol

What to do?!

And so we waded

Through water neck deep

Our spirits elated

Hearts seeped.

With love and kindness

Wisdom galore

Old love, new depths

Of that we were sure

But ghosts from the past

Began to unravel

In all sorts of forms

From insecurity to travel

And so it was decided

To part ways

So that we grew stronger

Promising future days

There were tears and heartbreak

And phonecalls and drives

But both of us knew

That this was just right

So surrounded by love

Us two souls bade adieu

Knowing that in this life

Love like this comes to so few

Gratitude

Thank you
For the wonderful thing that we call friends
For their kindness, generosity
Love and wisdom
For showing them into my life
Enriching my very existence
And showing me that nothing surpasses kindness

Thank you
For the rain that thunders down
My ability to hear it fall, crash, tumble, drip
My faculty to see the earth reborn
Green
Youthful
Hopeful
Joyous
My keenness of smell
That allows the freshness of the new day
To permeate my being
Soaking it in
Reveling in it
Never enough

Thank you
For the humility of the job I have chosen
Being able to serve
Help
Heal
And in turn
Be helped
Healed
And loved

Thank you
For the yellow light
Filtering across the landscape
Then pink
Or even orange
Colours
Life
Being
One

Thank you
For the trees that teach me stillness
The plants that teach me courage
Huge, towering beings
Yet gentle and kind
Their humility, endurance and selflessness
Helps me grow

Thank you
For what I call family
For their love, patience and understanding

Thank you
Thank you
For each new day
For Life.

WORDS

A book
A journey
His travels
My learnings
Infused

Hope
Curiosity
A giggle
Coy glances
Shy smiles

Joy
A terrace
People
And kisses
Conversation
Connecting
Sharing –values, feelings, hopes, dreams

Too soon?
Too fast?
How fast?
Passion stirs

Name it !
A fling
A relationship
An affair?
Nothing
Something—in between

Dreams articulated
Stories told
Songs sung
Memories

The fading light
Lemon tea
Togetherness
Comfort

Cuddling
Holding tight
Love bites
Love hurts

Intense
Emotions
Feeling bereft
Confused
Rejected
Hurt

Finding answers
Looking within
Sated
Smiling
Happy
Free

Forgiveness

What is forgiveness?
And why is it so hard?

My battle with forgiveness stemmed from the fact that I largely misunderstood the connotations of this mysterious word

What did it mean to forgive?

Did it mean to tell someone that what they had done to you was okay? That it was okay that they had hurt or betrayed you? That it was okay that they had killed your son/brother/wife? That you would ‘forgive’ them anyway—because that’s what ‘good’ people do? It’s the ‘bad’ people who live with bitterness, resentment and anger.

I do not think forgiveness means all this.

I think forgiveness means to acknowledge what has happened, accept it, live out/feel each of the accompanying emotions, acknowledge the damage caused/lives shattered/people lost and then say “I let it be’. Forgiveness would mean to say to your perpetrator; “ Yes you did hurt me terribly, you turned my world upside down, took away what I considered most precious—and I felt anger and bitterness and hatred towards you—but now I choose to let go of all these negative emotions—I choose to be free of them. I choose to let go of my need to ‘make you realise’ what you did. I decide to carry on with my life and learn from my suffering. I choose to use the pain to become stronger and the tears to find a path of clarity. I leave you behind—and along with you I leave behind the damage you have caused.” And I think that’s what forgiveness is about—it’s about you. It’s about letting go, moving on and feeling free.

Love in the time of Typhoid

As I sit in bed
Staring at the ceiling
My head splitting
My eyes heavy
Body shivering
And then profuse perspiring
A solitary tear rolls down my left cheek
The fear within threatens to consume me
I take a deep breath and
I wonder
GOD really tell me—what is there in this for me?
What lessons?
What advice?
What healing?
And why?
And I if I listen clearly enough
The answers begin to come
Slowly at first
And then with a blinding clarity


Life isn’t about planning and re-planning
It isn’t about everything going according to plan
Life is about the changes, the glitches, the getting ‘off track’
Worrying isn’t going to help anyone-least of all you.
Ten years down the line you will look back at this moment of fear and laugh—hell you’ll do that ten minutes down the line!
Fear is temporary and paralyzing BUT
It gives you a chance to take those deep breathes you rarely remember to take
It forces you to start meditating
It allows you to cry, take your troubles and toss them around that glass jar you rarely touch
And personally for me-the best part about fear is the calmness you feel when its all gone
The peace, the sense of unity
Oneness with the world and all its beings
A renewed sense of purpose
A deepened sense of hope



So when your body is battered with salmonella typhi
It might be better to just smile right through it
Enjoy the pain, the headaches, the body ache
Each experience as singularly unique
Thank your body for helping you fight the ‘bad guys’
Request the ‘bad guys’ to please leave
Imagine
Articulate
Believe
Command
Dream—of trade unions J, fighting, organizing, achieving
Encourage
Be kind
Be considerate
Be loving
After all your body will always act in your own interest



And the people serving you
Thank them and appreciate all that they do
Be it 4 am hot water bottles, 3 am foot massages, 1 pm hand fed lunches
Medicines in bed, water with a straw
Fruit juice
Smiles
A healing hand on a burning forehead
Just sitting next to you
Asking if you are okay
The concern
The love
The love
The love



And smile
And be grateful
For this life
For this moment
For everything around you
And within you
And when you are too tired to go on
Walk softly towards the bed laid out for you
By those very hands
That you call home