Musings

As I write, wary of what my words should be, wary if they will be ‘right’, if what i am intending to say will come out right. Two days feeling a little blue, but two days of successful attempts to just ‘be’ with the feelings instead of trying to hide them or make them go away. I honoured the pace my soul wanted to take, i moved inwards, i lay in bed, i read, i ate sourdough with butter and scones with clotted cream and raspberry jam. And i just let myself be. Without any judgement or unkindness to myself. I accepted my wordly non-productiveness, but also appreciated the fact that spiritually by allowing myself to just observe my feelings i was being extremely productive. Also for the first time ever i think i recognized and accepted the fact that to someone as deeply sensitive as me, there are going to be days like this; where i need to withdraw from the world, where these ‘blues’ are just a reminder for the need to turn inwards and be silent. I wonder if i manage to turn inwards of my own accord more regularly whether the depression will lose its purpose in my life and have no place to be? And then quite naturally it would go away, having served it purpose. 

It is hard to go through these see-saw of emotions, but that’s only when i choose to be the emotions instead of simply observing them. 

And as I move more deeply inwards, as i sit with myself in meditation i am guided by the angels and the Masters. I am told of wonderful things. Of the fact that the purpose of meditation is not to silence the monkey mind, but instead to be with the sense of peace and watch it expand and grow and consume you. Of the fact that instead of complaining about how ‘I can’t meditate right’ which essentially blocks the flow of energy and manifestation that is coming to me, I should focus on the blessings in this situation; which are the fact that I have been given the opportunity to explore this path, that i am connecting with my Masters and spirit guides and most importantly; that this is the perfect opportunity for me to learn to accept the moment as it is, without wanting to change it or improve it or wanting to be somewhere else. Complete acceptance of what is, and recognizing the perfection in this moment, deeply believing that everything is happening in divine timing, realizing that i am whole and complete right now, in the moment, without wanting to be someplace else. And that is my learning, and that is the beautiful opportunity that awaits me. And this is what I call ‘grace’.

Amen.

A Battle?

A Battle with Depression 7^th March 2015

The term above scares me. For two reasons. Or rather because of two words. Battle and Depression. A battle connotes stress, fighting, opposition, tiredness and the possibility of failure. None of which I have the energy for, or the ability to deal with at this very moment. And depression connotes a state of mind which is ‘my fault’, can and should be changed, a failure, an inability or unwillingness to ‘try hard enough’, a weakness. None of which is true, or so they say.

So how do i react when i am infact battling with depression? I cry. I panic at the first signs of me feeling low. I begin to think of how i would feel if i do end up sinking into the black abyss of nothingness. Days and nights of emptiness, unproductivity. What will people say? How will I justify the lack of progress on my PhD? In my life? I was capable of so much more, once upon a time. And i really am not living up to my potential. I resist. I protest. I feel sorry for myself. I feel miserable. Full of self-doubt. And self-loathing. Self-loathing. Well that’s a familiar one. I hate the fact that i am so weak, that i am not as resilient as everyone else i know, that i cannot control my moods, that my moods control me. 

And what if, just what if..I could accept what i am feeling, without judging myself? With a sense of compassion? And trust that this is all God’s plan? That inherent in these moods lies a deeper purpose, that i can thrive despite these moods, or rather because of them? How do i actually find a way to live that encompasses these feelings of lowness, that allows me the freedom to accept myself and love myself with all my perceived strengths and weaknesses. What if i could begin looking at my depression as something positive? I cannot even imagine how that would be possible. 

For now i am beginning with trying to accept my mood. Not panic, not resist it, not wish it away. Just truly accept it. And im trying to see what wonderful things have materialized after every episode of my depression. Last week it was the realization that I need to accept my moods instead of fight them. Yesterday it showed me the need to heal my inner child who feels unloved and anxious. It is these moments of grace that i need as stars along the way, to guide me. And show me that it is all okay.