A Battle?

A Battle with Depression 7^th March 2015

The term above scares me. For two reasons. Or rather because of two words. Battle and Depression. A battle connotes stress, fighting, opposition, tiredness and the possibility of failure. None of which I have the energy for, or the ability to deal with at this very moment. And depression connotes a state of mind which is ‘my fault’, can and should be changed, a failure, an inability or unwillingness to ‘try hard enough’, a weakness. None of which is true, or so they say.

So how do i react when i am infact battling with depression? I cry. I panic at the first signs of me feeling low. I begin to think of how i would feel if i do end up sinking into the black abyss of nothingness. Days and nights of emptiness, unproductivity. What will people say? How will I justify the lack of progress on my PhD? In my life? I was capable of so much more, once upon a time. And i really am not living up to my potential. I resist. I protest. I feel sorry for myself. I feel miserable. Full of self-doubt. And self-loathing. Self-loathing. Well that’s a familiar one. I hate the fact that i am so weak, that i am not as resilient as everyone else i know, that i cannot control my moods, that my moods control me. 

And what if, just what if..I could accept what i am feeling, without judging myself? With a sense of compassion? And trust that this is all God’s plan? That inherent in these moods lies a deeper purpose, that i can thrive despite these moods, or rather because of them? How do i actually find a way to live that encompasses these feelings of lowness, that allows me the freedom to accept myself and love myself with all my perceived strengths and weaknesses. What if i could begin looking at my depression as something positive? I cannot even imagine how that would be possible. 

For now i am beginning with trying to accept my mood. Not panic, not resist it, not wish it away. Just truly accept it. And im trying to see what wonderful things have materialized after every episode of my depression. Last week it was the realization that I need to accept my moods instead of fight them. Yesterday it showed me the need to heal my inner child who feels unloved and anxious. It is these moments of grace that i need as stars along the way, to guide me. And show me that it is all okay.